It’s an unfortunate part of the job universe. Sometimes people just have to get fired. Even if they are trying their hardest, it may just not be working out. Sometimes it gets even worse if you’re the one who has to do the firing, even though your boss is the one who wants it done. However, lamenting the pains of having to fire someone can be pretty boring. One way to spice things up (at least for yourself) is to come up with creative ways to fire someone. Most firings today are done with emotion and “concern” for the person being fired.  However, I feel that if the firing experience is unique, the now jobless former-employee may never forget it, and truly focus on being a better worker. At the very least, you can have a good laugh about your crazy antics with the other managers at the office. So without further adieu, here are 30 creative ways to fire someone.

1. The Geico Technique – Sure it’s been done in movies, but it would be even more hilarious in a real-life firing situation. Simply ask the person being fired into your office, and tell him that you’ve got bad news and good news. If they ask for the bad news first (which we hope they do), you can tell them they’re fired. If they then ask for the good news, you guessed it; “I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico.” However, if they say what’s the good news you must use a different technique.

2. The Fake Promotion – If your about-to-be-canned employee asks for the good news first, you can say, “you’re getting a promotion!” Then be sure to add in a bunch of perks to the promotion, quote a new salary if you have to. If they ever ask “really?” or when you’ve decided enough’s enough, simply get a straight deadpan face and say, “just kidding, you’re actually fired.” Your employee’s face sure will be red!

3. The Yoda Technique – Speak normally, and tell them all the things wrong with their performance, etc. Just when you’re getting to the part where you tell them they are now jobless, switch into a Yoda voice and say “Fired, you are!” and then give them a complimentary DVD of the original Star Wars trilogy (don’t give them the new episodes, they’ve just been fired, remember!?).

4. The Unemployment Line – Ask the employee to go for a ride with you. Then, you drive them right to the unemployment offices. Be sure not to talk to them the whole time. Then, when you get there, throw them out of the car and drive off. They’ll get the message.

5. You’re Fired Candy Gram – Who doesn’t love candy grams!? Nothing says “you’re fired” like a nice box of chocolates delivered with a song to someone’s office/cubicle. Make sure the song mentions all the things that they have done wrong during their employment, or else they won’t get the message.

6. The Marty McFly Fax – In Back to the Future Part II, Marty McFly (the main character) gets fired by his boss via a fax that simply reads “YOU’RE FIRED.” This is a simple, brilliant idea. You could also change it to an e-mail if you were so inclined.

7. The Google Bomb Firing – Yes, Google Bombs are much harder (okay, near impossible) to do now. However, if you know someone is going to get fired months in advance. I suggest spending millions of dollars Google Bombing their name to bring up dictionary.com’s definition for “unemployed.” Won’t it be a laugh when they come in one day and you tell them to Google their name?

8. Fired During a Fire Drill, or Real Fire – I don’t think anyone has ever made the connection, but it’s such a great pun that you almost have to do it. Schedule a fire drill, or perhaps set a real fire (although I wouldn’t recommend it) in your office. As everyone is running around panicking (or calmly congregating outside, depending on your fire alarm method), get on a megaphone and say “This is a fire (drill) because [employee’s name] is FIRED!” Everyone will probably have such a hearty chuckle, it could be worth the thousands of dollars worth of damage.

9. Give the Employee an Atomic Fireball During the Firing – Another pun with equally humorous results. When the employee comes into your office, offer them an atomic fireball. If they accept it, and enjoy it, ask them “do you like atomic fireballs?” When they respond, “yes”, you can then say “great because you’re fired!” and subsequently throw several more Atomic Fireballs at them.

10. Pig Latin Irefay – Fire the person in pig Latin. I’m not quite sure how it would go exactly, but the employee won’t be either. It would definitely be more effective to conduct the entire meeting in Pig Latin, ending with an emphatic, "Ou’reyay Iredfay!" Eventually they’ll figure it out though when their security clearance is revoked so they can’t come into work. Or you can just direct them to a pig latin translator.

11. Just Stop Paying Them – The Office Space technique can really work wonders. It avoids confrontation and is amusing to observe. Just stop paying your employee without ever telling them that they’re fired. Be sure to have payroll refer the employee to you and you refer the employee to payroll. Making office pools for how long it takes before the employee realizes he/she is fired is another positive outcome of this technique.

12. Have IT Change Their Password – You can be very creative by having IT change the employee’s computer password to “imfired” or “unemployed.” When they go to ask what the new password is, they’ll have quite the surprise on their hands!

13. Make Your Kids Fire Them – Who knew that bring your son/daughter to work day could actually have value for the company. Simply have your kids do all the firings for the day. The fired employees won’t feel so bad when they’re firing comes from an adorable child. Kids do say the darndest things!

14. Fired Fruit Basket – People usually send fruit baskets for appreciation. Why not change the entire meaning of a fruit basket by sending a fruit basket with a “You’re Fired” card? Even though the employee will still be upset, at least they get some fruit out of it.

15. Donald Trump Himself – Depending on your commitment to unique firings, you could decide to pay Donald Trump to come say “you’re fired” to the employee. Make sure Trump is hiding in a closet or under a desk to provide extra surprise.

16. Fake Murder Fired – Set up the meeting with the soon-to-be jobless employee. Then, make your office look like the spot of a violent murder. Sprawling out on the floor with loads of professional movie-quality makeup making it look like you’ve had your throat slashed or something horrid is a great idea. When your employee comes in, they may decide to scream or call for help. Be sure to then jump up and yell “just kidding, I’m not dead, but you sure are fired!”

17. Window Washer Drama – If the employee has a nice office with a window, simply give a nice piece of paper to the window washer that reads, “you’re fired!”

18. Fake Kidnapping Firing – Call your employee up and claim to have their loved ones. Spouse, child, or both is usually the most effective. Demand a ransom, and when they agree to it simply say “Just kidding, it’s me, and you can’t afford that ransom anyway, because you’re fired.”

19. Scoreboard Firing – Your company may have box seats to several venues. Invite the employee to come to a game. At the opportune time, have them look as the scoreboard flashes “You’re Fired!” over and over. Although, funnier things have been seen on scoreboards.

20. Hire Before Fire – Hire the employee’s replacement BEFORE they are fired. Be sure to give the replacement the former-employees office. When the old employee comes in and sees a new employee in his office/cubicle, hilarity is sure to ensue.

21. Arm Wrestle for the Job – Invite your employee into your office, then challenge them to an arm wrestling match. If they lose, they lose their job. However, if they win, they get a raise. Even if they lose, you can still fire them, which is funny because you just made them waste time and energy arm-wrestling you before the inevitable canning.

22. Make an Human Resources Employee Do It – On second thought, I think that’s a bit mean. No one should ever have to talk to HR.

23. The Tricky Business Birthday Cake – At the office, there will often be cakes when someone has a birthday. If someone who is going to be fired also has a birthday coming up, give them a “you’re fired” cake. Everyone can have a laugh, and the person being fired still gets a cake out of it.

24. Elaborate Office Musical Number – Shows like Family Guy often break out into musical numbers at random times. If you’re going to fire someone, what better time then to start singing? Getting the whole office involved is a great way to build a stronger team through ostracizing one of the former members via music!

25. The James Bond Theme Firing – When the employee enters your office, make sure some James Bond music is playing softly in the background. Also make sure you have a huge captains chair and you’re facing the window away from the office door (preferably smoking a Cigar). Spin around slowly and say “Well [employee’s name], I’ve been expecting you…” You can then go into the whole firing speech. A little theatrics can go a long way when firing someone.

26. The Show and Tell Surprise – Oftentimes kids have special “what my parents’ jobs are” show-and-tell days. Find out when your employee has such a day, and then surprise him or her at their children’s school. When they are giving the presentation about their job, be sure to jump in and inform them that they no longer have that job. Feel free to stick around and see what they say to the little wide-eyed children.

27. Massive E-Mail Oops – E-mail the employee informing them of the decision and the reasons behind it. Accidentally CC the entire company for added hilarity.

28. You’re Fired Tattoo – This idea is great because it could be used many times. Tattoo “You’re Fired” somewhere on your body. The more creative the body part that it is tattooed on, the more interesting every firing will be. Personally, I feel the buttocks would be the most amusing spot.

29. Silly String Canning – When the employee comes into your office, use a can of Silly String to cover them, and then spell “You’re Fired” out on one of the walls (assuming you have enough Silly String left over). If the person looks confused or asks what’s going on, you get to say “you’ve just been canned!” Just make sure Silly String isn’t banned in your town.

30. Have Their Car Impounded – Again, if you’re going for a lest controversial, yet equally hilarious firing, you can always have their car impounded. Be sure the tow truck operate knows why the car is getting impounded. How many people can actually say they were informed that they were jobless by a guy working at an impound yard? I’d venture to say not many!

So there you have it, 30 unique ways to fire someone. Firings don’t always have to be dull. Making the firing as devastating as possible is a great way to add some spice to the otherwise monotonous business world. Of course, if you’re actually planning on firing someone, I suggest you don’t follow any of these suggestions, since most people would probably get pretty upset.

 

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